Log 0001: Writing and large numbers

I wanted to write today. I didn’t know what to write about today. I ran out of time to write today. I find at times that the truth is inconvenient, surprisingly because it doesn’t matter in the way that I think it would. Unfortunately, I anticipate this theme to be pervasive in my blogging. However, I aim to make a hero’s arc of it.

I feel that the truth is a nuisance because I don’t quite know how to juggle the truth and my feelings about the truth very well. I started off this blog post listing facts. As I was enumerating them, I realized that they aren’t good enough excuses. This happens to me frequently. Somewhere in me is a deep desire to exercise, and yet I find myself not prioritizing the necessary healthy habits to be successful with a gym routine. To me, both of these are facts: I want to go to the gym and it is challenging for me to make the time to do so. In this moment, I have to write this post in haste, because I need to prioritize sleeping. I feel defeated trying to make both facts of the world fit. Thus, I remain in paralysis. As I think about this, in my last post, I was juggling the same. I want to write and LLMs invariably take without permission.

In some ways, I wish the paralysis were one of stillness. Instead, it’s constantly beating oneself up emotionally trying to decide if it’s just laziness. For today, I am glad that I wrote something and I am glad that I will be going to sleep soon for the gym tomorrow. I acknowledge holding space for both is not free.

I have a draft that I am working on about my recent experience with amortization schedules. In between these more structured pieces of writing, I want to do these informal logs. It keeps me writing and I think that’s a good thing. 

This post is titled "writing and large numbers" because I was thinking briefly whether to title the log `001` or `0001`. It turns out if I wrote a blog post every day for a year, it would take roughly 27 years to write 10,000 posts. That is an incredibly large number. I don’t intend to meet it. I have a chance at 999 though, and I am well on my way.